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this is me with the words on the tip of my tounge [entries|friends|calendar]
malibuxbarbiee

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[19 Jan 2010|12:07am]
I think I've dragged this out long enough.
2 READ | COMMENT

[13 Oct 2009|12:26am]
I miss you baby girl.
COMMENT

[25 Sep 2009|02:05am]
I'm giving up on you for a little while.
COMMENT

[28 Apr 2009|11:10pm]
BU or Lehigh?

No, no no. I'm not in love with you anymore.
COMMENT

[27 Apr 2009|09:25pm]
I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore...
I guess I just needed the closure.
COMMENT

[16 Apr 2009|09:12pm]
What am I doing?
COMMENT

[12 Apr 2009|12:10pm]
lying, cheating, bastard.
1 READ | COMMENT

[29 Mar 2009|10:25pm]
Am I paranoid?

Do you feel guilty?
COMMENT

[25 Mar 2009|10:06pm]
WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING DATE HER

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.
COMMENT

[24 Mar 2009|12:12am]
Baby I'd leave you for the person you used to be.
COMMENT

[22 Mar 2009|08:44pm]
I'm not going to try and compete.
I'm me and this is the situation, I don't feel guilty or bad.
So if you want to continue to do that then I'm out.
So it's up to you because you don't get to make me miserable.
It doesn't make it right for you to continue.
It's not fair to me.
COMMENT

[10 Mar 2009|11:24am]
this exhausts me.
COMMENT

[20 Feb 2009|01:40am]
i just dont know, its so up and down.
love is enough. i'm sure.
COMMENT

[18 Feb 2009|09:39pm]
selfish. that's it.
COMMENT

[17 Feb 2009|12:26am]
This isn't about winning.
This is about right and wrong.
This is about doing what feels right.
This is about forgiveness.
This is about us.
Not about him, her, this, or that.
COMMENT

[09 Feb 2009|05:03pm]
3 more days.

but i'm starting to care less, in fact its stopped sucking so much. i dont expect your phone call anymore, i got too tired of waiting and hoping. its so close and its so far. you're so far. you've really cut me off this time, i dont know why, but i do know that i'm tired of asking myself that question over and over.
whats worst is i'm not sure if i should be mad, or hurt, or confused, or apathetic. i'm not sure what to feel. maybe its better this way. i'm sticking with apathy.
your calender is a load of shit. i wont wear the necklace and i wont sleep with that pillow.
i got some great advice this weekend, there comes a time when you realize that you need to start caring more about you and start taking care of you. its good.
i dont want any broken phone bullshit.
i would almost rather you not call. everytime we talk i wind up feeling let down or put down. i dont need that, i'm better than that. i deserve to be happy and not to live by your whims.
i'm taking steps forward, but i know three days from now i'll be back to square one.
so heres to the next three days of being unsure and to three days of possibilites, because after that things will be definite and decided. good? bad? who knows. but i've got a bunch of back up plans. i'm taking care of me first this time.
1 READ | COMMENT

[03 Feb 2009|12:12am]
all i ever wanted was your life.

so you know that things are getting to me today. you have seen this same fucking mood countless times. so i spell it out in plain english, just reassure me, just be FUCKING NICE.
but you've got this way of pushing my buttons when i'm already on overload. i'm not needy or clingy right now, i'm figuring shit out. does it kill you to help me?

where the fuck are you? i refuse to believe that i'm speaking with you.

i dont care if you're scared and feel abandoned. i've never been so clear about where i stand, so why have you become so vague and distant.

fine. have your space, I WILL NOT BE HERE FOREVER. i'm only human.
9days, and what do you say, NOTHING.
i miss you, and what do you say, NOTHING.
i love you, and what do you say, NOTHING.
you told me once that you'd never do anything to risk losing me.
let me just make it perfectly clear, you're taking a huge risk.

remember when you told me that you loved how independent i was? well, here i go. i won't wait forever to see if you're coming with me, i deserve more.
but your fucking calender notes remind me that i have more than more. i have everything, everything except for the person that wrote them to me.
i hid it. i cant stand looking at it.
i almost believe its the most selfish thing you've ever done, and you've disguised it as the most loving gift you could have produced.

"don't take things so seriously" "i'm not into labels" "i still love you"
no. no. no.
i havent been angry before, i've just been hurt. but now i'm getting angry. and it feels so much better.
so this is it, you have 9 days. when i come back to school you need to let me know where we stand. if not, well then i'm done. i can't be part-time, and i cannot be your friend.
i won't beg you. i won't give up my dignity. its the one part of me i won't give to you. i've given you everything else.
COMMENT

[30 Jan 2009|03:12pm]
Day 4? It feels more like month 4.
I have some time to kill, I guess I'll take a nap.
By the way I cheated, I read further than today's date. I still can't decide whether it has helped, or whether it makes all of this seem infinately worse.
Does this kill you too?
I miss you its not fair.
COMMENT

Day 3? [29 Jan 2009|03:07pm]
46 weeks ago was my last entry.
I looked at and sortof laughed, I guess I really only come here when I'm conflicted.
Number one: I'm not okay right now, it feels good to admit it. Don't ask. I won't tell you.
I'm not entirely too sure why, when I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm writing this somewhere that is pseudo-public. I guess Microsoft World just didn't seem like the right medium to express anything besides essays, papers, and other school related subjects. I used to write in here almost daily, so why not continue a once beloved tradition?
Things that are helping:
Walking outside
Listening to classical music rather loudly
Getting caught up in what I'm studying/researching
Water Polo
Convincing myself that my phone will eventually ring. Actually, scratch that one, that's where my troubles are manifesting themselves from.
I don't know, I had big ideas while I was walking back from class about what I would write, but all that seems to have slipped away.
I'm no magician, I can't shrink miles, space, or time.
I know it hurts, it hurts me more than you know.
But I refuse to spend one more semester hating it here because of you. I finally, finally, finally, finally have made peace with this situation, and now you've torn all of that apart and I'm feeling as though I would much rather be experiencing first semester's frustrations rather than this gut renching feeling. I've always had a hard time getting seriously attached to anything, and I guess somehow, somewhere in my subconcious Alex knew. Okay, I have to stop, this was supposed to help, but all I'm doing is pouring salt into open wounds.
I'm not myself right now, that's what I hate most of all. I hardly eat, and food has always been a source of stability for me, as long as I'm hungry, I'm okay. I cannot remove this quesy uneasy feeling that sits in my stomach. Whose fault is this, mine? Maybe I'm taking this all to seriously but I just can't seem to convince myself otherwise.
The past three days have gone as follows:
Wake up, okay, everything is all right.
Lay there, it sinks in, my hunger is dissolved into quesiness.
My thoughts go as follows: "Fuck, I have so much to do today," "Fuck, I can't get myself to focus today," "Fuck this, I'm better than all of this."
Walk to class, thank god it's cold. It stings it all away.
Sit in class, pay attention and block it all out.
Come back from class, and god forbid I spend two minutes sitting. I fall back into this inconvievable anguish.
Somehow, I'm not quite sure yet, I get out, walk somewhere else, put on the classical music and get lost in what I'm doing.
Pray to god that I've exhausted myself enough that when it comes time to sleep, I'll be too tired to stay awake much longer.
Is everyday a little easier, maybe? Do I want them to get easier? Who knows?
These next two weeks couldn't pass quickly enough, or then again maybe they'll pass all too quickly. I sure as hell can't tell you.
It's all so wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong and wrong.
So today I've spent my two mintues constructively, as do I plan to spend these two mintues everyday from now on.
So I'm off to get lost in some paper, after I'll probably study the anatomy of the cell. And I can't freaking wait, it's going to be so good to get lost in something.
I'll go to starbucks and get a caffeine high, the only high I can afford lately.
Still, I can't decide if during the next two weeks things will improve, or as it approaches things will become substantially worse.
Not knowing is the hardest.
I'm here, I'm waiting.
COMMENT

[06 Mar 2008|09:11pm]
i can't take not knowing where i'm going to be spending the next four years of my life anymore. i just want to know!
1 READ | COMMENT

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