this is me with the words on the tip of my tounge

malibuxbarbiee @ 2010-01-19T00:07:00

2010-01-19T05:07:19Z

I think I've dragged this out long enough.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-10-13T00:26:00

2009-10-13T04:26:50Z

I miss you baby girl.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-09-25T02:05:00

2009-09-25T06:05:30Z

I'm giving up on you for a little while.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-04-28T23:10:00

2009-04-29T03:11:31Z

BU or Lehigh?

No, no no. I'm not in love with you anymore.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-04-27T21:25:00

2009-04-28T01:26:15Z

I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore...
I guess I just needed the closure.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-04-16T21:12:00

2009-04-17T01:12:54Z

What am I doing?

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-04-12T12:10:00

2009-04-12T16:10:59Z

lying, cheating, bastard.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-03-29T22:25:00

2009-03-30T02:25:25Z

Am I paranoid?

Do you feel guilty?

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-03-25T22:06:00

2009-03-26T02:07:17Z

WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING DATE HER

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-03-24T00:12:00

2009-03-24T04:13:18Z

Baby I'd leave you for the person you used to be.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-03-22T20:44:00

2009-03-23T00:49:14Z

I'm not going to try and compete.
I'm me and this is the situation, I don't feel guilty or bad.
So if you want to continue to do that then I'm out.
So it's up to you because you don't get to make me miserable.
It doesn't make it right for you to continue.
It's not fair to me.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-03-10T11:24:00

2009-03-10T15:24:36Z

this exhausts me.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-02-20T01:40:00

2009-02-20T06:41:02Z

i just dont know, its so up and down.
love is enough. i'm sure.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-02-18T21:39:00

2009-02-19T02:40:25Z

selfish. that's it.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-02-17T00:26:00

2009-02-17T05:28:39Z

This isn't about winning.
This is about right and wrong.
This is about doing what feels right.
This is about forgiveness.
This is about us.
Not about him, her, this, or that.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-02-09T17:03:00

2009-02-09T22:16:56Z

3 more days.

but i'm starting to care less, in fact its stopped sucking so much. i dont expect your phone call anymore, i got too tired of waiting and hoping. its so close and its so far. you're so far. you've really cut me off this time, i dont know why, but i do know that i'm tired of asking myself that question over and over.
whats worst is i'm not sure if i should be mad, or hurt, or confused, or apathetic. i'm not sure what to feel. maybe its better this way. i'm sticking with apathy.
your calender is a load of shit. i wont wear the necklace and i wont sleep with that pillow.
i got some great advice this weekend, there comes a time when you realize that you need to start caring more about you and start taking care of you. its good.
i dont want any broken phone bullshit.
i would almost rather you not call. everytime we talk i wind up feeling let down or put down. i dont need that, i'm better than that. i deserve to be happy and not to live by your whims.
i'm taking steps forward, but i know three days from now i'll be back to square one.
so heres to the next three days of being unsure and to three days of possibilites, because after that things will be definite and decided. good? bad? who knows. but i've got a bunch of back up plans. i'm taking care of me first this time.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-02-03T00:12:00

2009-02-03T05:26:59Z

all i ever wanted was your life.

so you know that things are getting to me today. you have seen this same fucking mood countless times. so i spell it out in plain english, just reassure me, just be FUCKING NICE.
but you've got this way of pushing my buttons when i'm already on overload. i'm not needy or clingy right now, i'm figuring shit out. does it kill you to help me?

where the fuck are you? i refuse to believe that i'm speaking with you.

i dont care if you're scared and feel abandoned. i've never been so clear about where i stand, so why have you become so vague and distant.

fine. have your space, I WILL NOT BE HERE FOREVER. i'm only human.
9days, and what do you say, NOTHING.
i miss you, and what do you say, NOTHING.
i love you, and what do you say, NOTHING.
you told me once that you'd never do anything to risk losing me.
let me just make it perfectly clear, you're taking a huge risk.

remember when you told me that you loved how independent i was? well, here i go. i won't wait forever to see if you're coming with me, i deserve more.
but your fucking calender notes remind me that i have more than more. i have everything, everything except for the person that wrote them to me.
i hid it. i cant stand looking at it.
i almost believe its the most selfish thing you've ever done, and you've disguised it as the most loving gift you could have produced.

"don't take things so seriously" "i'm not into labels" "i still love you"
no. no. no.
i havent been angry before, i've just been hurt. but now i'm getting angry. and it feels so much better.
so this is it, you have 9 days. when i come back to school you need to let me know where we stand. if not, well then i'm done. i can't be part-time, and i cannot be your friend.
i won't beg you. i won't give up my dignity. its the one part of me i won't give to you. i've given you everything else.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2009-01-30T15:12:00

2009-01-30T20:15:16Z

Day 4? It feels more like month 4.
I have some time to kill, I guess I'll take a nap.
By the way I cheated, I read further than today's date. I still can't decide whether it has helped, or whether it makes all of this seem infinately worse.
Does this kill you too?
I miss you its not fair.

Day 3?

2009-01-29T20:31:08Z

46 weeks ago was my last entry.
I looked at and sortof laughed, I guess I really only come here when I'm conflicted.
Number one: I'm not okay right now, it feels good to admit it. Don't ask. I won't tell you.
I'm not entirely too sure why, when I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm writing this somewhere that is pseudo-public. I guess Microsoft World just didn't seem like the right medium to express anything besides essays, papers, and other school related subjects. I used to write in here almost daily, so why not continue a once beloved tradition?
Things that are helping:
Walking outside
Listening to classical music rather loudly
Getting caught up in what I'm studying/researching
Water Polo
Convincing myself that my phone will eventually ring. Actually, scratch that one, that's where my troubles are manifesting themselves from.
I don't know, I had big ideas while I was walking back from class about what I would write, but all that seems to have slipped away.
I'm no magician, I can't shrink miles, space, or time.
I know it hurts, it hurts me more than you know.
But I refuse to spend one more semester hating it here because of you. I finally, finally, finally, finally have made peace with this situation, and now you've torn all of that apart and I'm feeling as though I would much rather be experiencing first semester's frustrations rather than this gut renching feeling. I've always had a hard time getting seriously attached to anything, and I guess somehow, somewhere in my subconcious Alex knew. Okay, I have to stop, this was supposed to help, but all I'm doing is pouring salt into open wounds.
I'm not myself right now, that's what I hate most of all. I hardly eat, and food has always been a source of stability for me, as long as I'm hungry, I'm okay. I cannot remove this quesy uneasy feeling that sits in my stomach. Whose fault is this, mine? Maybe I'm taking this all to seriously but I just can't seem to convince myself otherwise.
The past three days have gone as follows:
Wake up, okay, everything is all right.
Lay there, it sinks in, my hunger is dissolved into quesiness.
My thoughts go as follows: "Fuck, I have so much to do today," "Fuck, I can't get myself to focus today," "Fuck this, I'm better than all of this."
Walk to class, thank god it's cold. It stings it all away.
Sit in class, pay attention and block it all out.
Come back from class, and god forbid I spend two minutes sitting. I fall back into this inconvievable anguish.
Somehow, I'm not quite sure yet, I get out, walk somewhere else, put on the classical music and get lost in what I'm doing.
Pray to god that I've exhausted myself enough that when it comes time to sleep, I'll be too tired to stay awake much longer.
Is everyday a little easier, maybe? Do I want them to get easier? Who knows?
These next two weeks couldn't pass quickly enough, or then again maybe they'll pass all too quickly. I sure as hell can't tell you.
It's all so wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong and wrong.
So today I've spent my two mintues constructively, as do I plan to spend these two mintues everyday from now on.
So I'm off to get lost in some paper, after I'll probably study the anatomy of the cell. And I can't freaking wait, it's going to be so good to get lost in something.
I'll go to starbucks and get a caffeine high, the only high I can afford lately.
Still, I can't decide if during the next two weeks things will improve, or as it approaches things will become substantially worse.
Not knowing is the hardest.
I'm here, I'm waiting.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2008-03-06T21:11:00

2008-03-07T02:11:39Z

i can't take not knowing where i'm going to be spending the next four years of my life anymore. i just want to know!

malibuxbarbiee @ 2007-11-01T16:46:00

2007-11-01T20:49:48Z

For some reason, I'm still not okay with it.

Alright I'm done.

malibuxbarbiee @ 2007-03-20T18:03:00

2007-03-20T22:05:09Z

divorce sucks.

nationals in 23 days!

malibuxbarbiee @ 2007-02-21T22:02:00

2007-02-22T03:04:05Z

i misssssssssssssssssss poland :(

less than 2 months until nationals and my birthday/license!

malibuxbarbiee @ 2007-02-18T20:57:00

2007-02-19T02:12:46Z

1. Who were you with last night?
some really cool people

2. What woke you up this morning?
someone's cell phone alarm

3. Where are you?
ev's room

4. Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
no school!

5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
the dogs

6. When's the last time you cried?
ummmmmm

-The PAST-

7. Ever thrown up in public?
what exactly is public? but i think so

8. What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?
food

-The FUTURE -

9. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
probably

10. Where would you like to live?
NYC, San Fran, Seattle, Chicago

11. What kind of home would you like?
apartment in manhatten

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?
ER doctor, anesthesiologist, lawyer

13. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
college

- IN GENERAL -

19. Do you like candy necklaces?:
duh. its food.

20. When was the last time you fell over or ran into something?
last night

21. Do you listen to music every day?
yes

22. Do you still go trick or treating?
duh. free candy

23. What was the last thing you ate?
potatoes

24. Are you a fast typer?
sure

25. About how many people have you liked?
like 3? i'm very picky

26. What are your plans for the weekend?
sleeping

27. Whats your favorite type of soda?
mello yello

28. Have you ever won an award?
mhmm

29. What do you want to do right now?
go running.

30. Are you listening to music right now?
yes. pwt

31. Are you with someone right now?
ev and the dogs

32. What's a word or phrase that you love?
free samples.

33. How long until your birthday?
less than 2 months!

34. When were you the saddest in your whole life?
when the fridge was empty, idk

35. What time is it?
9:04

36. What makes you pissed off?
small children

37. Ever had a song written about you?
yeah

38. What song makes you cry?
a walk to remember, i cry every time

39. What songs makes you happy?
journey

40. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
w/e

41. Do you have a job?
lifeguarding

42. What does Your CD player have in it right now?
pwt/ ghetto dance 1

43. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
rainforest blue/green (i just made that up)

44. What makes you happy?
food and vegetating

45. What's the next CD you're gonna get?
brand new

[Height:]
5'6

[Hair:]
blonde

[Eye Color:]
blue

[Piercings:]
ears, belly button when i'm 18

[Tattoos:]
i want a cross but idk where yet

[What are you wearing right now:]
sweats

[What taste is in your mouth?]
potatoes

[Have a bad habit?]
procrastinating

2006:
[ ] Sucked for me
[ ] Was awesome
[ ] Was ok. It was awesome sometimes, then sucked sometimes.
[X] idk

2006 I...
[ ] Dumped someone
[ ] Was dumped.
[ ] Dyed my hair
[ ] Failed a class
[ ] Had love at first sight
[x] Stayed up all night
[X] Cried because I missed someone
[X] Missed curfew
[X] Kissed someone who I regret kissing
[x] Made honor roll
[X] Danced crazily with my friends all night
[ ] Gained confidence
[ ] Lost a friend(s)
[x] Gained new friends
[ ] Changed looks

malibuxbarbiee @ 2007-02-15T17:28:00

2007-02-15T22:29:21Z

RIP